Hello everyone! I am Molly, Lucy’s cousin. I’m a 22 year old young woman who has found herself ‘teetering on the edge’ far too many times. This has sometimes been a good thing as its forced me to think but sometimes it’s completely overwhelming.
When Lucy asked me if I wanted to write something for her blog, I instantly thought how? She has so much life experience and is very relatable. As in her first post, I am taking the plunge in the hope I can reduce the stigma attached to mental health and I will use this as a platform to help others. So here is my story on how I’ve been teetering on the edge.
Growing up I experienced depression and anxiety. However I didn’t completely understand what it was then. Since my adolescent years I just thought it was a part of growing up. I was told I wasn’t depressed and I was just unhappy. Family and friends would put it down to the fact I was scared about the future. I mean there are so many expectations of people these days. I would sit and think to myself, how will I ever buy a house, get a good job, earn lots of money, have a family and travel. It has taken me a good few years to understand that unless you are happy none of that really matters.
This time last year I was teetering on the edge of leaving an environment where I was completely comfortable. It was to make the move to somewhere completely new; Edinburgh. 6 whole hours away from friends, family and a job I was good at, to start all over again.
People would ask me; why Edinburgh? Surely you could move somewhere closer? But you have everything here in Peterborough? This is when I would explain to them that being out of my comfort zone and teetering on the edge is how I grow and I was adamant it was the right thing to do. So I said goodbye to my first love in order to do something I had ALWAYS wanted to.
When I first moved I took everything in my stride, I would meet cool people and have amazing experiences. A few months after moving things started to go downhill. I would constantly think to myself, were they right? Was this the wrong thing to do? This is when I became really depressed. I would sit in the house by myself, even showering, eating and sleeping became impossible. After driving myself insane deciding whether I was going to move back to my comfort zone Peterborough again, I realised I needed to think about and accept a few things.
Firstly, I understood that my depression was making me feel this way and in fact I wasn’t helping myself. After a few tearful facetimes to loved ones and some reckless nights out, I decided I would move back home. Once making the decision it was as if everything just suddenly seemed better. I was socialising more and started to see the positives of the world.
Before, it felt as if the eyes of the world were blind and I was stood right there in front of everyone but only I could see me. Now I feel like the whole fucking world can see me. I was here and I owned it! Reflecting on how I was feeling and how I had been teetering on the edge, I learnt that I wasn’t feeling better because I had decided to move back home, I was feeling better because I accepted that I was not OK. I’d started to embrace everything I was and this forced to communicate so much more about my mental health. I realised that moving back would not solve anything and that no matter where I was in the world I would still have these issues, I decided to tackle them head on. Don’t get me wrong, I have my dark day and it’s taken me a good few years to understand that pleasing others is such hard work and you compromise yourself in doing so. Communication is the best medicine and opportunities like this make your fingers want to write for days.F
I guess what I am trying to say is by teetering on the edge, it has sometimes enabled me to make the best decisions ever and sometimes the worst. But I am a 22-year-old young woman who will not live by the unrealistic expectations of others. I might not live my life how others would expect or want, but I am happy and I really don’t care. Growing is just about taking the plunge and just thinking to yourself fuck it. Just take each day as it comes and never overlook anything you do. I treat myself sometimes for having a shower each day and eating properly because sometimes that can be truly impossible.
I hope that this post helps others to talk and realise that there are all different types of people that experience mental health issues but all in very different ways. Look after yourselves and just think to yourself fuck it! I tell myself this on a daily basis and it seems to get me through the day.